Pick of the week
Japanese Popstars, Rise Of Ulysses
(Gung Ho)
In terms of totally stupendous mechanical pop music, there are better tracks on Japanese Popstars' amazing We Just Are album, but this is nonetheless what the Large Hadron Collider dreams of listening to when the man from D:Ream presses its button and its legs and arms sprout out and it goes on the rampage and eats everybody in Bristol like in Torchwood.
Rihanna, Disturbia
(Def Jam)
Who is looking after Rihanna's interests? Poor Rihanna. She keeps a planet dancing, but is forced to release upwards of 8 million songs from a single album. And for what? Does she have time for a bit of a sit down and a think? Time for a bit of a sit down and a think is every human's right, not just a luxury for pop's privileged few (like Luke from the Kooks - well-known for his sitting down). On the upside, she does get to have a kiss and cuddle with Chris Brown whenever she fancies, and when he also decides to write massive electro R&B anthems like this for his missus that's not a bad place to be.
Sportsday Megaphone, I Think It's Love
(Sunday Best)
Bands and artists whose entire back catalogues this short, lovable, unassuming but all-conqueringly incredible three-minute pop song is better than: Led Zeppelin; the Libertines; Paul Weller solo and Paul Weller in the Jam; Avril Lavigne (except I'm With You); the Blow Monkeys; Rob 'n' Raz featuring Leila K; the Courteeners; Mystery Jets; the Script; Wire; various others. In fact, most instances of Various Artists. Hamfatter.
Avenue, The Last Goodbye
(Island)
Boy band Avenue spent the entire month of August performing live showcases at Thorpe Park. On Last Goodbye, however, they forget jettisoning one's lunch on Nemesis Inferno in favour of a sad meditation on Binge-Drinking Britain. "I see you standing over there," they sing, "cocktails and fingers through your hair." Is there really something songworthy in a girl with booze in her barnet? Long Uncomfortable Fist In An Alleyway or whatever cocktails the kids are drinking these days are to be sipped, not worn as hats. It's very sad. Avenue are a potentially brilliant boy band, but this is a terrible choice for a debut single.
Oasis, The Shock Of The Lightning
(Big Brother)
Released to coincide with Noel Gallagher's latest round of critically acclaimed press interviews, and marginally less bad than you might expect, this is still a song entirely without point. A song which would never have been written were it not for the fact that Noel had to write some new stuff to go on an album. This could have been playing when you came up on your first E, playing again when you experienced your first kiss, blasting out of the car stereo when you ran over a lollipop lady and blaring from the radio at the precise moment that you heard Diana was dead and it would still mean nothing. "Have I heard this somewhere before?" you would ask. "It's not very good."
