"This is for all the lesbian men of Essex," announces Liam Gallagher, bizarrely, during Oasis's headline set at Britain's most identity-conscious festival. At the V festival, now in its 10th year, everything is about labels. Stages don't have names, they have sponsors, and you can buy any kind of beer as long as it's Carling, recharge your phone freely if it's made by Virgin. Toilet queues are terrible, as are those to get in to the arena from the camping areas, and a small programme costs £8.
Fortunately, this year's musical lineup is spectacular. The Super Furry Animals bring immense love and Sonic Youth are on fine form at their only UK date this year, while Dizzee Rascal raps so fast and furiously that he is met with embarrassing silence when the audience fail to join in. Estelle has turned into a soulful Mary J Blige, telling the ladies what to demand from their rubbish men, while Goldfrapp dances with horses and gets frenzied with a theremin. In the up-and-coming stakes, Alexis Strum proves to be a charming singer songwriter, while the Kooks look like the next indie band to blow your pocket money on.
Kaiser Chiefs can't seem to believe their luck as they survey the gigantic sea of fans they have accrued overnight, with half of Essex singing along to Oh My God and I Predict a Riot, as grinning frontman Ricky hobbles from an ankle injury.
Franz Ferdinand play a fantastic set, tighter and more theatrical than ever, although the more polished Alex Kapranos' showmanship becomes, the more he seems to become a caricature of himself, and the totalitarian chic turns ominous when the backdrop reveals enormous black and white photographs of each band member.
Old favourites such as Take Me Out are announced as being written by Val Doonican and Terry Wogan, while new song Evil and a Heathen is such a fast romp that it's harder to get into, though forthcoming single Do You Want To is joyfully received.
The Glaswegians return during Scissor Sisters' finale, to cover David Bowie's Suffragette City in a multicoloured extravaganza led by Jake Shears and Ana Matronic, who are surely two of the most enigmatic people ever to grace a stage. Ana pays kudos to the location, announcing that her dress was designed by an Essex girl before dedicating the show to slags.
