PICK OF THE WEEK

Philip George & Anton Powers
Alone No More (3Beat Productions)

Yo, musicians: if you’re reading this and are wondering “How do I get this horrible man to give me the track of the week?”, I’ll tell you. All you have to do is make a song that sounds suspiciously like Robin S’s Show Me Love (but not that dogshit one by Sam Feldt). Alone No More has so much beach-y fun built into it I’m tempted to buy a plane ticket to Marbella with a Wonga loan right now and worry about the rest later. It’s exactly what you’re listening to through cheap portable speakers while convincing yourself that eating a kebab outside of the UK is acceptable. But it’s fine because your brain is covered in piña colada and you’ll be unconscious before midnight.

Joss Stone
Molly Town (Stone’d Records)

Joss Stone, or the physical personification of Burning Man festival, is back with her mind-bending Anglo-American accent in Molly Town. Apparently, Molly’s is the name of an Irish pub that Stone went to in France and the song, a slow-dub, crusty siren call, describes meeting a boy in there. Despite its reggae twist, the track is about as Jamaican as a vegan quiche – and about as exciting and tasteful as one, too. I don’t get you, Joss Stone. I don’t get the things you do.

Eats Everything
Dancing (Again!) ft Tiga vs Audion (Method White)

Just in time for Manchester’s Warehouse Project to drag its bloated ket bladder back into focus for another year, Bristol’s Eats Everything – with “Tiga vs Audion” (did they have a fight? Hope everything’s OK) – bring forth Dancing (Again!). It’s in a similar vein to Breach’s Jack, a tech-house student tearjerker with an electric gong bass every 16 bars. Sure to inspire little gun-fingers from all the Harrys and Toms in campus house parties across the country.

The Wombats
Emoticons (Bright Antenna Records)

This isn’t even that bad a tune but good Christ I wish it wasn’t called Emoticons. It has the kind of jovial serenity that any band over a decade-deep in the game should have: fun, easy melodies, cute lyrics – but ... emoticons? Why? It just screams of a relevance crisis meeting. Emoticons haven’t been used since the days of MSN Messenger, which doesn’t even exist anymore. They’re called emojis now, lads. Maybe get a phone that’s made of glass instead of one with WAP on it, yeah?

Julian Velard
The Night Ed Sheeran Slept On My Couch (Julian Velard Records)

Nothing worse than when these Josh Groban types get a lil kooky and do a serious piano ballad about a quirky subject. Julian Velard isn’t quite mum-fodder in the way your Bublés are, and I can’t see teen girls being into his chintzy keyboard lameness, so not sure who this is for. The track is a boring wry smile about ginger pop monolith Ed Sheeran sleeping on his couch. It’s irritatingly vanilla. It isn’t funny. I hate it.