Tinashe
All Hands On Deck (RCA)

It’s a bit depressing when you see the depths British singers will go to obtain a bit of US star sheen: paying through the nose for producers; doing photoshoots atop skyscrapers; wearing Beats headphones in their videos even though they’re not getting paid for product placement. Then Kentucky’s Tinashe strolls along with a single full of pan-pipe flutes, unexpectedly impeccable production, and a video shot in an industrial park, and still has more star quality in a single fake eyelash than Jessie J does in her whole body.

Iggy Azalea Feat Jennifer Hudson
Trouble (Virgin EMI)

This is a song about how Iggy likes bad guys, a simple concept driven home with the line, “A little trouble only makes for a good time/ So all the normal red flags be a good sign.” But when you get into the specifics of what Iggy’s looking for – tattoos, kissing his teeth, and the way he leans – it seems she actually wants a teenager who might have been considered rebellious in the 1950s. Those aren’t red flags, babes: not washing hands between KFC and foreplay, leaving a pile of bogeys by the side of the bed, choosing the end of Newsnight over sex – now that’s a bad boy.

Michael Calfan
Treasured Soul (Spinnin’ Records)

The race for song of the summer is already underway and Michael Calfan has got many of the right attributes for the job: a boring name that will be immediately forgotten by autumn, a video where girls in bikinis skateboard around an empty swimming pool, and that synth sound that’s sort of like a steel pan that immediately makes you think of sipping on supermarket pre-drinks before putting on a maxi dress, sedimentary layers of foundation and hitting up a seafront club with a light-up dancefloor.

Conor Maynard
Talking About (Parlophone)

Conor is one of those people who would come into a record label and some A&R who put out the first Bros album and has been dining out on it ever since will go: “He’s got the looks, he’s got the voice, this kid’s a star!” In a way they’re right: his last record went to No 1 in the UK. But in another sense they couldn’t be more wrong, because today being a global popstar means bold ideas and visual identity and who you’re mates with – and Conor Maynard looks like the third best-looking person in a regional branch of Byron and sounds like the last 20 years of bland pop music put into a Nutribullet.

Madonna
Ghosttown (Boy Toy, Inc)

I thought it was bad when Madonna was doing semi-rapping and dubstep breakdowns, but actually it’s way more depressing listening to her half-heartedly do this sub-Ellie Goulding hold-music ballad. Ghosttown is a daytime TV show hosted by Emma Bunton, it’s just catching up with the girls for a chai latte. Madge, get that leotard back on and call up Skrillex.